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s.
19 September 2013 @ 04:13 pm
 
Literally so bored out of my mind with life right now. Everything was really exciting up to the point where I got drunk with B upon our return to New York at the Wythe hotel's bar, like the idiot that I am showing the hostess my medical marijuana card instead of my ID to get in. What happened wasn't so much anybody else's failure but mine, I just realized that at the end of the day it will always remain B's (obviously) and that my end goal wasn't feasible at all, what I want to do vs. what one should do are two entirely different things. And now I feel like I may be idling my time with no ultimate goal in sight like there was before, nothing tangible, which makes me feel really lost in the most basic sense of the word. Everything is really great but I'm so far removed from it all, I really need something to be mine, even if it's just the smallest thing ever, I have no real friends here, nobody I can call up on a whim and go hang out with except for my boyfriend. I feel like I've isolated myself completely now, went back to LA and realized that nobody was even worth seeing. I'm not meeting the interesting, challenging people I thought I'd meet and I'm not really forging meaningful relationships with anyone except for my significant other and is that really the way I want to be leading my life? No.

How did I meet people previously? Through my job, which was fairly social, and now that that aspect of it has been entirely removed (by choice too, of course) there's very little to hold on to. Yes, I did enjoy being that poster girl in LA as much as I said I despised it or thought I despised it at the time, even all the dumb superficial things. Yet I wouldn't take them back now, and I wouldn't trade places with myself a year ago, so why this internal dilemma? This is the question I don't have an easy answer or solution to at all, and meanwhile I have to just trudge through life I suppose and adjust, readjust, figure things out. I need some sort of guidance but I don't know where to turn or look. I feel like this always, most of the time. I went back to Austria for a week and spent a couple of days by myself when B went to London, spending time with my parents, the sheep, giving my grandmother a manicure - the things that, I guess, really matter to me in life. I went to Vienna for a night before I flew to London, and it was fun, great, everything - I spent it with Fabian, met up with Chrisi and Benni and Philipp (three conquests at one table wasn't nearly as awkward as it could have been, I forgot how much I actually liked them all individually as people), and P's friends who were visiting from Berlin and I was just reminded of how political and intellectual they all were, but in a really great way, without pretension, more a Bourdieu than an Adorno. Then I went to London and felt so miserable I proceeded to drink enough to vomit the first night, and proceeded to get very intensely wrecked for the days after that, just trying to be OK with everything.

A lot of the time I feel like I don't have a firm grasp on reality and that I don't know a lot of things, and that maybe I should have stayed in school, and maybe I should have done this, but ultimately I'm just so lazy and incapable and passive, even though I would never use these words to describe myself I feel like that's really it. At 22 what do I have to contribute to the world, what 'wisdom' do I have to offer anybody, none, absolutely none and nothing to contribute either. I don't even know what anything's about anymore, I live vicariously through other means but just feel eternally clueless and stir crazy.
 
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s.
04 March 2008 @ 01:31 pm


'heard about the guy who fell off a skyscraper? on his way down past each floor, he kept saying to reassure himself: so far so good... so far so good... so far so good. how you fall doesn't matter. it's how you land.' la haine
 
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